Relationship Science | Mindfulness Gym

How Emotionally Focused therapy can help you develop healthier relationships

Have you ever been in a relationship and wondered why it's so difficult for you to let go, even when things aren't working out? Or maybe you've been on the other end of the spectrum, the one who can easily move on without much emotional turmoil.

Well, the answer lies in your attachment style. It might sound like a complicated term, but it's actually a simple concept that can make allthe difference in your relationships.

Your attachment style is formed in childhood, but the good news is that it's not set in stone.

With the help of emotionally focused therapy, you can change your attachment style and pave the way for happier, healthier relationships.

What does the term “Attachment” mean?

As social creatures, human beings are wired for connection. We are inherently socially bonded mammals, and our well-being is influenced by the quality of our relationships with others.

This is why isolation can be so traumatizing for us.

Attachment, a term that focuses on the way we interact with others andhow we process emotions, plays a crucial role in the development of ourown self-image.

Your attachment style will determine how you engage with others and how you regulate your emotions.

Essentially, attachment refers to the safety and security that we feel in our relationships with others. It starts early in life, and those with a strong, safe, and predictable connection with a caregiver are likely to develop an attachment style that supports them in thriving throughout their lives.

The ten elements
of attachment science

When it comes to facing trauma, the quality of our intimate relationships can make all the difference. But for those who didn't grow up in a safe, stable, or consistently caring household, building healthy relationships can be incredibly tough.

That's where attachment theory comes in. The essential concepts in attachment science help us understand our patterns of relating to other people and how we form secure relationships.

1.

Emotional isolation is incredibly traumatizing for us. As humanbeings, we need connection.

2.

Having a predictable, safe connection with another person allows us to thrive in this world.

3.

The emotional balance that happens when we have a safe connection allows us to gain a better understanding of ourselves.

4.

Having a secure connection with another person allows us to have an “anchor” for us to then go out and experience the world.

5.

The basic factors that define a quality bond are accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement.

6.

When we cannot connect with someone we want to connect with, we experience separation distress.

7.

Repeated attachment trauma creates a false image of who we are, as well as who others are, in our heads.

8.

The ideal type of attachment to have is a secure attachment.

9.

When we do not have a secure attachment, we have what are called either anxious attachments or avoidant attachments.

10.

There are differences in childhood vs. adult attachments.

The three main relationship
attachment styles

Understanding our own attachment style is an essential aspect of self-awareness. It can significantly impact how we behave in various types of relationships, including romantic, familial, and platonic.

What is a secure attachment style?

A secure attachment style is a healthy and positive way of relating to people. Those with secure attachment styles tend to see others as trustworthy, offering a sense of comfort and support that they can turn to in times of need.

How is a secure attachment developed in childhood?

It starts with responsive caregiving. Infants rely on their caregivers for everything, from food to warmth to comfort. When a parent or caregiver is attentive and attuned to a child's needs, the child feels safe and secure. This feeling of security forms the foundation for a secure attachment style.

How a secure attachment style looks in adult relationships

It starts with responsive caregiving. Infants rely on their caregivers for everything, A secure attachment is often considered the most desirable pattern of attachment in adult relationships. People with secure attachment styles feel comfortable and safe expressing their feelings around their partners. They have a strong sense of trust, support, and respect in their relationships. Securely attached individuals also have healthy communication patterns, which allow them to resolve conflicts in healthy and non-defensive ways. Overall, a secure attachment in adult relationships looks like a mutually fulfilling and emotionally satisfying partnership based on a secure and trusting foundation. from food to warmth to comfort. When a parent or caregiver is attentive and attuned to a child's needs, the child feels safe and secure. This feeling of security forms the foundation for a secure attachment style.

What is a anxious attachment style?

An anxious attachment style involves individuals who tend to feel insecure and fearful about their relationships.

This type of attachment pattern is commonly linked to inconsistent parenting, where caregivers were sometimes available and nurturing, while other times they were distant and unavailable.

As a result, those with anxious attachment styles are left feeling angry and anxious, like a never-ending game of "now you see me, now you don't." These individuals may struggle in their adult romantic relationships, constantly seeking reassurance and validation from their partners.

How is this developed in childhood?

Anxious attachment style develops when caregivers are inconsistent and unpredictable in meeting a child’s emotional needs.

For example, a child might receive a loving response when they cry, but at other times, the caregiver may ignore them or respond in a dismissive or critical way. This inconsistency causes the child to feel anxious and unsure, leading them to adopt an anxious attachment style.

This style is characterized by a fear of abandonment, a constant need for reassurance, and difficulty trusting others.

How an anxious attachment style looks in adult relationships

Individuals who possess an anxious attachment style often find themselves preoccupied with their partner's level of commitment and tend to feel uneasy when separated from them.

They may fear abandonment and need constant reassurance from theirsignificant other.

These individuals may also struggle with trusting others, making it difficult for them to form healthy, stable relationships.

What is an avoidant attachment style

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style will tend to dismiss their own need for connection and intimacy. They have learned over time that people can be dangerous and neglectful, so they shut down emotionally and avoid connections to protect themselves.

This "shut down, shut out" mindset can have a profound impact on their relationships, making it difficult for them to form close bonds with others.

Those with an avoidant attachment style may struggle to trust others, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

How is this developed in childhood?

Anxious attachment style develops when caregivers are inconsistent and unpredictable in meeting a child’s emotional needs.

For example, a child might receive a loving response when they cry, but at other times, the caregiver may ignore them or respond in a dismissive or critical way. This inconsistency causes the child to feel anxious and unsure, leading them to adopt an anxious attachment style.

This style is characterized by a fear of abandonment, a constant need for reassurance, and difficulty trusting others.

How an anxious attachment style looks in adult relationships

Individuals who possess an anxious attachment style often find themselves preoccupied with their partner's level of commitment and tend to feel uneasy when separated from them.

They may fear abandonment and need constant reassurance from theirsignificant other.

These individuals may also struggle with trusting others, making it difficult for them to form healthy, stable relationships.

How Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Help

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) can be a useful tool to improve one'sattachment style.

EFT emphasizes the importance of emotional engagement in the therapeutic process. By focusing on the six key emotions of joy, anger, surprise, sadness, shame, and fear, EFT helps clients to better understand and tune into their emotions and share their deeper emotions.

EFT therapists support clients when these emotions become difficult, with the goal of stabilizing, restructuring, and consolidating the client's emotional experiences.

Ultimately, healing occurs when clients can experience and express their true emotions without judgment or inhibition.

Using EFT, clients can develop a healthier attachment style that leads to more fulfilling relationships both personally and professionally.

Reference: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Sue Johnson - Psychwire

Exploring the differences between the three Attachment Styles

How Emotionally Focused therapy can help you develop healthier relationships

What does the term “Attachment” mean?

The ten elements
of attachment science