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How Emotionally Focused therapy can help you develop healthier relationships

Have you ever been in a relationship and wondered why it’s so hard to let go, even when things aren’t working out? Or maybe you've been able to move on easily, without much emotional struggle.

The answer to these questions lies in your attachment style. While this term may sound complicated, it actually refers to a simple concept that plays a significant role in shaping your relationships.

Your attachment style is developed in childhood, but the good news is that it’s not set in stone. Through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), you can shift your attachment style and pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

What does the term “Attachment” mean?

As social creatures, human beings are wired for connection. Our well-being is deeply influenced by the quality of our relationships.

This is why isolation can feel so traumatizing for us.

Attachment refers to the bonds we form with others, particularly those formed early in life with caregivers, and how we process emotions within those bonds. It plays a pivotal role in shaping how we see ourselves and how we engage with others.

Our attachment style is developed in childhood, based on how caregivers respond to our emotional needs. Those with safe, predictable, and nurturing relationships tend to develop secure attachments, which support positive relationships later in life. On the other hand, insecure attachments may make forming healthy relationships more challenging.

The ten elements
of attachment science

Attachment theory helps us understand how we relate to others, especially in the context of trauma and intimate relationships.

1.

Emotional isolation is incredibly traumatizing for us. As human beings, we need connection.

2.

Having a predictable, safe connection with another person allows us to thrive emotionally and psychologically.

3.

The emotional balance that happens when we have a safe connection allows us to better understand ourselves and our needs.

4.

A secure attachment acts as an “anchor” for us, allowing us to safely explore the world.

5.

Accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement are essential for forming secure attachments.

6.

We feel separation distress when we cannot connect with someone important to us.

7.

Repeated attachment trauma can lead to distorted self-images and unrealistic views of others.

8.

The ideal type of attachment to have is a secure attachment characterized by trust, comfort, and emotional safety.

9.

Without secure attachments, individuals may develop anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

10.

There are differences in childhood vs. adult attachments.

The three main relationship
attachment styles

Understanding your own attachment style is crucial for self-awareness and can significantly influence how you behave in relationships, whether romantic, familial, or platonic.

What is a secure attachment style?

A secure attachment is the healthiest way of relating to others. Those with this attachment style view relationships as trusting and supportive. They feel comfortable with emotional closeness and can rely on others while also maintaining their own independence.

How is a secure attachment developed in childhood?

It starts with responsive caregiving. Infants rely on their caregivers for everything, from food to warmth to comfort. When a parent or caregiver is attentive and attuned to a child's needs, the child feels safe and secure. This feeling of security forms the foundation for a secure attachment style.

How a secure attachment style looks in adult relationships?

People with a secure attachment style are comfortable expressing emotions, resolving conflicts healthily, and creating mutually supportive relationships. It is considered the most desirable pattern of attachment in adult relationships. Overall, a secure attachment in adult relationships looks like a mutually fulfilling and emotionally satisfying partnership based on a secure and trusting foundation.

What is an anxious attachment style?

Those with an anxious attachment style often seek constant reassurance and may become overly preoccupied with their relationships. They tend to fear abandonment and may experience intense emotional highs and lows.

This type of attachment pattern is commonly linked to inconsistent parenting, where caregivers were sometimes available and nurturing, while other times they were distant and unavailable.

As a result, those with anxious attachment styles are left feeling angry and anxious, like a never-ending game of "now you see me, now you don't." These individuals may struggle in their adult romantic relationships, constantly seeking reassurance and validation from their partners.

How is this developed in childhood?

Anxious attachment style develops when caregivers are inconsistent and unpredictable in meeting a child’s emotional needs.

For example, a child might receive a loving response when they cry, but at other times, the caregiver may ignore them or respond in a dismissive or critical way. This inconsistency causes the child to feel anxious and unsure, leading them to adopt an anxious attachment style.

This style is characterized by a fear of abandonment, a constant need for reassurance, and difficulty trusting others.

How an anxious attachment style looks in adult relationships?

Individuals who possess an anxious attachment style often find themselves preoccupied with their partner's level of commitment and tend to feel uneasy when separated from them.

These individuals may also struggle with trusting others, making it difficult for them to form healthy, stable relationships.

Anxiety can lead to clinginess, fear of rejection, and difficulty trusting others. They may struggle with insecurity and over-interpret minor relationship issues.

What is an avoidant attachment style?

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style will tend to dismiss their own need for connection and intimacy. They have learned over time that people can be dangerous and neglectful, so they shut down emotionally and avoid connections to protect themselves.

This "shut down, shut out" mindset can have a profound impact on their relationships, making it difficult for them to form close bonds with others.

Those with an avoidant attachment style may struggle to trust others, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

How is this developed in childhood?

Development of an avoidant attachment typically occurs during childhood due to inadequate emotional or physical support from caregivers.

Children with this attachment style may have experienced neglect or inconsistency from their caregiver, leading them to learn that emotional connection comes with rejection or hurt.

Subsequently, as adults, they may avoid intimacy and seek independence instead.

How an anxious attachment style looks in adult relationships?

Avoidantly attached individuals may struggle to form deep emotional connections with their partner, appearing distant or emotionally unavailable.

They may be hesitant to be vulnerable with their partner, fearing that doing so would make them too dependent or needy.

This may cause them to prioritize their independence over the needs of their partner, leading to a lack of intimacy and emotional connection in the relationship.

How Emotionally Focused Therapy Can Help

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a powerful therapeutic approach that helps individuals understand and change their attachment patterns. EFT focuses on the emotional bond between partners, helping them reconnect and foster healthier, more secure relationships.

Emotional Engagement: EFT encourages clients to explore and engage with their core emotions, such as joy, anger, surprise, sadness, shame and fear. Changing

Attachment Styles: Through EFT, individuals and couples can address the emotional distress created by insecure attachments and develop healthier patterns of interaction.

Building Secure Connections: EFT helps clients process and regulate their emotions, restructure unhealthy attachment behaviors, and cultivate secure emotional bonds in relationships.

EFT provides a safe space to explore and understand the emotional dynamics in relationships, with the goal of transforming unhealthy attachment patterns into positive, secure emotional connections.

If you’re ready to understand your attachment style and improve your relationships, reach out to us today. Our licensed therapists are here to guide you toward more fulfilling connections.

Reference: Emotionally Focused Therapy with Sue Johnson - Psychwire

Exploring the differences between the three Attachment Styles

How Emotionally Focused therapy can help you develop healthier relationships

What does the term “Attachment” mean?

The ten elements
of attachment science